Jokes

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A man walks into a bar and orders martini after martini, each time taking off the olive and putting it into a jar. After the jar was nearly full, the bar-keeper asked him why he was doing this. The man simply replied: "my wife sent me out to pick up a jar of olives"

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, who is tired, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " the lawyer continues. "Your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but he can't find an answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, but he still has no answer. Frustrated, he e-mails all his friends and coworkers, which turns out to be to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A pirate walks into a bar with an eyepatch, a wooden leg, and a hook. The bar- keeper asked him "how did you lose that leg?"
The pirate replied "Arr, ah wahs fishin' in dem virgin islands, when a shahk come up and bites me leg off!"
"Wow! how about your hand, how did you lose that?"
"Ah whas lookin' fer treasah in de Phillipines, ah wahs bein' all stealt'y, yeh know, all clohs t' th' groun' an' den outs frem nowher' a 'gator come up and bites me hand off!"
"I see, and your eye?"
"ar yes, ah wahs out sailin' at sea, when a demn seagull pooped in mah eye!"
"wait, a seagull pooped in your eye? how would that blind someone?"
"arr, et was mah firs' day with me hook"

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. ''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with expensive double panel energy-efficient kind. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for the window replacement. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. I proceeded to tell him that his fast talking sales manager had told me at the time of installation that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard from him since. Guess I won that argument.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head. "What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend. "Shut up! You're next!"

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him and says "you, sir, are drunk!" "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around his shop, full of customers, and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left again. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left again. The barber looked over at a friend in the shop and said "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." After a while, Bill came back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up from his laughter and said, "Your house!"

Kids in the backseat cause accidents;

Accidents in the backseat cause kids.

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident and it was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man thoughtfully replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. In surprise, he asked, "Aren’t you having any?"

"No," the woman replied, "I think I’ll just wait for the police..."

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"